Hello my pretties.
Today's theme song is Slow Dancing In A Burning Room - John Mayer
What a beautiful song.
Women, by nature are generally quite emotional. They have the ability to over-analyse pretty much everything and although this can come in handy, more often than not, it just drives them insane. Drives me insane.
We are irrational and erratic. By we, I mean I.
I'm not actually sure what I'm getting at here. I just felt the need to mention these things. This wave of sadness and anxiety has just blown over me and I am not at all sure where it's come from.
One thing is for sure, I hate college. I cannot deal with it anymore. It deppresses me. I suppose that it's all been leading towards this, the past few months. I can distract myself by keeping busy, but when it ends, I'm going to feel empty. Empty like I did towards the end of last year. Empty like I was when I stopped going to my lessons and tried to fill my time with Starbucks and new clothes.
It's times like these that I could use somebody, but of course it's times like these that I feel as if there is nobody available to me. No one who could be of some help, anyway.
I will be another person who could have accomplished so much, but just never pushed herself enough. Another one who was just short of everything. I am going to be yet another sad story.
They will sometimes remember me and they will tell my story. Throughout, they will shake their heads and at the end, there will be a moment of silence. A moment of silence where they can gather their thoughts on the matter and somehow relate it to something else, so as to move on from the subject.
These are random ramblings from an almost not 17 year old girl. I think, at heart, I will be 17 always, no matter how big my 18th birthday celebration is.
Signing Out,
That Emerald Umbrella X
...And then she cried.Labels: 17, always, burning, college, cry, dancing, death, emerald umbrella, john, mayer, rambling, random, rooms, sad, slow, song, story, women
So, this wont be pretty my pretties.
The song of the moment is Feels Like Saving The World - Outlandish
I really don't know what to say.
I suppose mosque is a good place to start.
Those who know this story laugh at me, but when I was a lot younger, I was in a sort of fight at mosque. There was a girl who was basically hated by everyone and I happened to be sat next to her. She was running her mouth and I was just sick of it. So I stood up to her. She told me she'd slap me and I said go on then. She hesitated, but then she slapped me. The impact of her hand on my face sent me backwards, but I popped up again and asked her if she was done. She wasn't and she slapped me again. I responded with "Go on, hit me again."
Now, I don't know what I was doing in all honesty. Afterwards, I was crying to my teacher about it. I was a kid and she was like 4 years older than me. But I don't know why I egged her on. The reason I bring this up is because I've not changed.
Time and time again, I get slapped in the face and at the time, it doesn't phase me. I keep asking for more, I don't protect myself. I do the opposite. I put myself in harms way, for some odd reason. Later on, when I realise, I cry about it, but then eventually I'll do it all over again.
Such is the situation with my health. Be it stubborness, lazyness or absent mindedness, I don't take my medication. It's at a point where doctors are throwing all sorts of numbers at me. I'm literally on the brink of Diabetes and Heart failure. Today I was slapped in the face. I was slapped in the face with the prospect of my own death. It was so real to me today - I have so many aspirations and I probably wont live to see any of them through.
So I cried.
I'm crying.
Now, I'm on it. I'm going to take my medication. But how long until I need to be slapped again?
I cannot do this anymore. Frankly, it's shit. The whole ordeal. I can try to busy myself with events and auditions and writing competitions to get a leg up in a world I'm never going to make it to, but when it comes down to it all, it's just a distraction. It's a distraction from reality.
The reality is, I have to fight. The reality is, I am no soldier. The reality is, eventually, I will lose this battle. The reality is, eventually, I'm going to die.
So why can't I push myself to prepare for my death?
Signing Out,
That Emerald Umbrella XLabels: childhood, death, diabetes, distractions, emerald umbrella, feels, heart, islam, life, mosque, outlandish, saving, slap, soldier, thalassaemia, world
Don't Follow Me;; I Don't Know Where I'm Going.
Today's Theme Song is going to have to be Misguided Ghosts - Paramore.
Man;; their new album is rather amazing.
I have been so paranoid recently. There's something about college that does that to you. Or maybe just me. Probably just me. It's like, there's a whole new lot of people around now, more people to watch, to judge. It a whole new lot of people I somehow have to convince to like me. I say I don't care and I'd love for that to be true, but it really isn't.
I'm that person who wants to be okay with everyone. I'm that person who doesn't join a clique, because she's running after all of them, trying to fit in. The only thing is, in my effort to fit in, I seem to stand out more. I stand out for the wrong reasons.
I would love to stand out because I was worthy of some sort of status or recognition. Because I've done something worth standing out for. Like looking the way I want to look, doing things I want to do...like the magazine, the career, the family. Showing people the parts of me I want to show them...rather than them all knowing, watching, judging.
It's not a very pleasant feeling, you must know. It's as if I am paralysed, behind glass. No one thinks I hear, no one thinks I notice, but I do. I just can't do anything about it. Eventually, just knowing kills me.
"Now I'm Told That This Is Life;; && Pain Is Just A Simple Compromise...So We Can Get What We Want Out Of It..."Paramore
Ah;; what a randomly depressing post. You know, I'm not depressed, despite the way this turned out. I'm actually pretty okay, believe me. Bored, but okay. But let's not get into that again, this post is negative enough.
Signing Out,
That Emerald Umbrella X
Labels: emerald umbrella, ghosts, misguided, paramore, paranoia, paranoid
Zombie - The Pretty Reckless
Wow;; new song idea.
Too bad it's for a song I'm not supposed to be writing. Ugh.
I don't really know what to tell you, my lovelies.
I am, it seems, extremely dissatisfied with my life. This is something that I should really expect to be saying in maybe 20 years, so why now?
Because, like many people in their 30s, I feel as if I have no control over my life. A mid-life crisis is the attempt to regain control of one's life. More often then not, control never escaped. Really, people follow the path they lay out for themselves and simply grew used to it. They had control the whole time, they just subconciously chose not to use their power. As a result, they have a mid-life crisis, which is when everything that has built up inside of them simply explodes, leaving a mess of sports cars, affairs and bad decisions. Such is the way we live in the west.
I am far to young to have a mid-life crisis. So what do I do? I know I have control, it's just I cannot seem to push myself to use it. I don't steer anymore. I just keep my foot on the acelerator. Keep going forward.
But I must let go, I should just let go...
To quote myself.
Well this was a short one.
Signing Off,
That Emerald Umbrella XLabels: age, behind, crisis, daisy, emerald, explode, far, let go, midlife, momsen, pretty, rain, reckless, taylor, umbrella, wild, write, young, zombie
SkullCandy in my ears;; my lovelies.
Sound so sweet.
The song is the rediscovered "Nothin' Left To Do" by Outlandish.
A fair amount of time has passed since I last shared with you my thoughts. It's not because there were no thoughts to be recorded, but rather there were no moments that I thought to share them.
Sometimes I wonder if some of my thoughts should be published, if it's healthy for myself to get them out or if it serves any positive purpose to have them recieved by whoever happens to stumble upon them.
I am not a wise mind, wanting to share my wisdom and experience with the world. I am in fact a weak individual, hoping to gain some sort of clarity by keeping my words flowing. I am a relatively normal girl in an beautifully oxymoronic world.
There is, no doubt, a specific design about life as we know it. Although it functions rather well;; it's beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Naturally, we all have our opinions and suggestions, be they local or worldwide.
For example, some venture to change the world as a whole and some simply wish to remodel themselves.
Once upon a time, I wanted to change the world. I wanted to make an impact, make a name for myself among the billions of unknowns out there. Things have changed considerably for me now though. You see;; now I wish to make an impact and a name for myself among the extremely small percentage of the Earth's population that I am closely aquainted with.
Now, I just want my family to recognise me as successful. I want them to see me the way I can't seem to see myself. I want the support and faith I know I'll never get unless I earn it. The problem is, I can't seem to earn it without it. My own determination is not enough to push me.
Instead, I allow small things to distract me from what I try for. Instead, I allow small thoughts grow into doubts. Doubts that swallow me inside, until I quit altogether, letting everyone down once again. But that's what they expected, right?
I have dreams, goals and aims. But is it likely I'll ever achieve? Not really. Not if I keep on like I am.
This is my design. I do not like how I am built, how I've developed. It's time for a remodel. For a redecorating. Is this the month to bring it?
It's supposed to be. So far, I feel like I'm going backwards.
Signing Out,
That Emerald Umbrella XLabels: achieve, architecture, design, dreams, goals, interior, life, music, nothin left to do, outlandish, publish, remodel, skullcandy, sound, sweet, thoughts, world
&& today class, the theme song is Disco by Metro Station.
Do you know, she's dancing at the disco? She's dying on the dancefloor.
Hello m'dearies.
Why do we always want what we cannot have?
And if we are ever to get it, we don't want it as much anymore, because we kind of liked the chase, when it all comes down to it. We also got used to the heartbreak, the let downs.
You know she's dying, but still she craves more.
We can pretend like things are okay, we can go to the disco and front a smile. We can dance to build a wall around us. Or we can drink or get high. It's our way of escaping what's happening, but we're trying to escape the problems we sub-conciously created for ourselves and keep creating for ourselves.
This is our process. This is what we call life. The things we do to ourselves, which we don't take the blame for, we call it life. Because we like it that way. We're used to it that way. We settled like that.
It's what we see on tv. It's what we see all around us. It is normal for a middle aged man to go to a pub and drink away his conscience. Why is that? Why is that something that has become acceptable? Why are drugs that do the exact same thing illegal? Not that it matters because even the fact that they're illegal doesn't make it taboo. Drugs are accepted. Alcohol is accepted. Our methods of keeping ourselves down are all accepted.
We thrive off pain. Here in the west, where we're so lucky to have what we do, we thrive off our own steady downfall. I think that it's sad. I think what's sadder is that I am yet another pawn to this way of living.
Rather sad, I must say.
Signing Off,
That Emerald Umbrella XLabels: alcohol, conscience, crave, dancing, disco, downfall, drugs, dying, metro station, sad, west
